September 09, 2010

None of Your Fancy French Lickers

Every June, the schoolchildren of the Greater Manchester area nominate and vote for their Lollipop Lady of the Year. Lollipop Ladies are a British institution, known abroad variously as Crossing Guards, School Crossing Supervisors, Crossing Patrol Operatives, Pediatric Pedestrian Transverse Street Enablers, Lollipop Men (in Muslim countries), and, in France, as Les Otaries Effrayantes. We here at MancTastic Magazine felt it was time we caught up with the lolly ladies of yore to find out what they've been up to and how their career trajectory progressed following the success they enjoyed as Lolly Lady of the year.

2010: Mella Motomel: Still a Lollipop Lady.

2009: Sookie Suzuki: Curator of the Tate Gallery Brighton.

2008: Hettie Zanetti: Internationally esteemed writer of literary fiction.

2007: Contessa Montesa: Emeritus professor of applied ethics at the University of Dunedin.

2006: Cathy Ducati: Joint winner of Nobel Prize for Physics.

2005: Ella Zanella: British Number 2 women's javelin.

2004: Susa Husaberg: British women's doubles tennis Number 4.

2003: Rhonda Honda: British women's Number 1 at table tennis.

2002: Aurelia Aprilia: British women's pole vault champion 2008.

2001: Ellie Benelli: British women's pole dancing champion.

2000: Bianca Bimota: British women's lap-dancing team member.

1999: Thomasina Triumph: "Best of British Burlesque" winner 2007.

1998: Davida-Harley Davidson: Body of the Year, Cabaret Magazine for the Older Gentleman, 2000.

1997: Fifi Fischer: Madam of Britain's Best Brothel (Bristol), 2003.

1996: Jeannie Lamborghini: Happy Hooker Award three years' running.

1995: Muriel Ariel: Winner of National Heroin Users Heroine of the Year, 1999.

1994: Biff Brough: "The Dealer to Watch," Drug-Pusher Magazine, October 1998.

1993: Buffy Clyno: Runs the largest paedophile ring in North-West England.

1992: Eve Greeves: Last woman to be lynched in Sweden. 1996.

1991: Sally Raleigh: Ireland's leading serial killer.

1990: Dot Scott: Went postal in 1997. Largest number of deaths at the hands of a lollipop lady in British history.

1989: Stephanie Stevens: CEO of Loansharks R Us.

1988: Hillary Villiers: Conservative Party MP.

1987: Veronica "The Shocker" Crocker: Back as a full-time student.

1986: Sue-Elle Buell: Unemployed.

1985: Fleurice Curtiss: Aspiring playwright. First short story published in the New Yorker recently.

1984: Marcia Marsh: Just completed Ph.D. in neo-Hegelianism. Thesis to be published by Blackwell next year.

1983: Mercuria Merkel: Writer-in-residence at Hollyrood House, Edinburgh.

1982: Persis Pierce: First female chairperson of the Qatari Communist Party (Marxist-Leninist-Mao Zedong Thought).

1981: Poppy Pope: World Subbuteo Champion, 2001.

1980: Cerise "Ears" Sears: Suicide.

1979: Hester Vespa: Currently president of the United Kingdom Sorority of Lollipop Ladies.

1978: Hester Vespa: See above.

1977: Hester Vespa: See above.

1976: Hester Vespa: See above.

1975: Hester Vespa: See above.

1974: Hester Vespa: See above.

1973: Dave Piaggio: Still a Lollipop Lady.

Article excerpted from MancTastic, the in-house magazine of Manchester City Council Events, Leisure & Public Services department.

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savannah said...

i have no idea what you wrote about, sugar, as i got stuck at the title which i read as None of Your Fancy French Ticklers! sometimes, i think there is absolutely no hope for me! *snickering* xooxoxoxo

Prenderghast said...

Hey Savannah--

I don't understand. Did it put you off reading the post, or did it remind you of something you hadn't done today? ;-)

Paul said...

Lollipop ladies, eh? I love it when those kind old girls are so tiny that their coats touch the ground, making them look like crossing daleks when they move.

phil said...

A comprehensive and soundly reasoned arguement as to why local council operatives should not be allowed near printing presses.

Prenderghast said...

Paul, all they need then is a toffee apple stuck to their forehead and they'd be identical.

Except they wouldn't be lollipop ladies then. They'd be toffee apple ladies.

Prenderghast said...

Agreed, Phil. Even the name MancTastic is an abomination.