July 18, 2010

Slimples!



Losing weight doesn't have to be a major undertaking, providing you're willing to make the necessary tweaks to your everyday habits that mean the difference between oh-boy! and o-bese. The U.S. National Institutes of Health report that a net loss of a mere 231 calories every day for a month is enough to guarantee a drop in dress size or an inch off your waist. We discovered 30 easy ways to burn up PRECISELY 231 calories a day which you can incorporate into your routine so that after a month you'll be looking good and feeling great. After a year, you'll be unrecognizable!


1: Sit in a chair and stretch your legs out in front of you. Sellotape your legs together at the knees, binding them tightly. Then force your legs apart. Don't give in!

2: Put all your shopping in the wrong cupboards, then take them out and put them into the right ones.

3: Varnish, then strip, a fifth of the back fence.

4: Vacuum your living room ceiling (It's not as easy as it sounds!)

5: Lick your sofa clean.

6: Crush a whiskey glass in your left hand. Do not stanch the bleeding.

7: Chase (but do not catch) a bluebottle round your kitchen for 15 minutes.

8: Have a proper fight with a nine-year-old girl.

9: Defecate angrily.

10: Hide the remote control, turn the house upside down for 15 minutes, then find it.

11: Keep a wasp in your mouth for five minutes. Do not suck or swallow wasp.

12: During your office lunch-hour, strap a chihuahua or other similarly sized dog into a sling and carry it round your neck. Remember to take it off at the end of your lunch hour.

13: Recycle your own urine (for three days).

14: Buy a Wii and Wii Fit Board, take them out of the box, put back in. Repeat x50.

15: Instead of using low-fat spread with your croissants in the morning, use soap.

16: Scatter biscuit crumbs in your bed before retiring.

17: Stand on one leg for fourteen hours.

18: Climb 145 feet up a cliff.

19: Bend wire coathangers into a lifesize marmoset.

20: Take a brisk, refreshing walk through Wythenshawe Park after dark.

21: Go to a Salsacise class and stand outside laughing heart-healthily at the suckers going in.

22: Make passionate, dangerous love to your partner in a public place, but ejaculate/orgasm prematurely.

23: Walk to the gym. Buy some water. Walk home.

24: Find an ants nest and stamp on them individually.

25: Pretend you made it to the World Cup final. Show yellow cards to nine Dutch men.

26: Follow through.

27: Tie yourself to a chair and watch Top Gear.

28: Lose to an adult or beat a small child at badminton.

29: Go to a nightclub, boogie the night away, then insult the door staff on the way out of the club and the security staff on your way in to the hospital.

30: Wax a leg.

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6 comments:

Stephie said...

Number 5 would never work for me. I'm sure there's more than 231 calories worth of dust on my sofa. You would probably ingest more calories during the licking of said sofa. I'll take the rest under consideration though...

problemchildbride said...

I've said it before and I see no reason why that ought to preclude me from saying again. I love you. Be mine.

Fat Sparrow said...

"2: Put all your shopping in the wrong cupboards, then take them out and put them into the right ones."

You may want to rethink that one. My crazy dad does that every day, and he's still a wide-load.

Vacuuming the ceiling, however, is spot on. Especially when you live in a house with 12-foot ceilings and large, nimble spiders.

Prenderghast said...

Hi Stephie!

Spit out any breadcrumbs, human skinflakes, dog hairs, used tissues, as you go. We should have specified. Sorry.

Prenderghast said...

Hi PCB--

You had us at "I've."

xxx

Prenderghast said...

Hi Sparrow!

Try getting crazy dad to vacuum the living room ceiling WHILE putting away the shopping in the kitchen. That should work, so long as he doesn't have anger-management issues.