March 04, 2010

Your Ireland, Your Funeral

In keeping with the spirit of the times, Khmer Rouge Strippergram is launching its annual Limerick for Ireland competition. Entrants must endeavour to produce works that accurately represent and reflect life in 21st-century Ireland. It is our fervent hope that the naturally good-hearted and instinctively cheerful people of this fine and proud land will respond with the grit and enthusiasm for which they are known around the world, rather than with the apathy and cynicism that they exhibit at home. First prize will be a (Bus Eireann) ticket to anywhere (including ferry ports).

Our entrants so far (all anonymous, for some reason):

The ghost of a young lad named Nate
Wandered all round his own ghost estate
He said "I don't think it's funny
To waste so much money
It's a shame that ghosts can't emigrate."

A car-accident victim who bled
On the Monaghan by-pass just said
Having had my crash here
With no hospital near
I'm a casualty twice over. And dead.

A young chemist in a job with Big Pharma
Got a 300% mortgage, no drama
But when the bankers got jittery
And her job went to shittery
She wished that she had her own NAMA.

A Dutch pirate who loved things for free
Said stealing trinkets is no good to me
A gas pipeline's the way
And the culchies can pay
A word, please, in your Shell-like, TD.

In opposition but still making demands
Enda Kenny hopes the government disbands
He says,"this dead tiger they're screwing
Well, of course, that needs doing,
But I'd be fisting the corpse with my hands."

Suffer children to come unto me
Said the priest while he patted his knee
It'll be thirty years
Before I shed crocodile tears
And then whitewash my sins in the See.

He who once went on cheap flights with mates
And returned here, he now emigrates.
But it's no long-term solution
The country needs revolution
O'Leary, your hanger awaits!

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problemchildbride said...


Prenderghast said...

Thanks PCB! Are you going to enter? I suspect you'd be upping the ante.

hughgreen said...

On the grubby green isle the man sighed
As he surveyed his kingdom with pride:
"No unions round here
Bumper profits through fear"
And jacked off to some porn on a slide.

Prenderghast said...

Superb! Thanks, Hugh. Dramatic, ironic, erotic.

Anonymous said...

Ode to B McN

I had a development plan
To enhance my financial élan
I plugged up the Shannon
At source with a cannon
And built on the resulting mud pan

With the proceeds I bought Fianna Fáil
All the boys in the party played ball
For the Wealth of the Nation
They’d sell their salvation
As long as the tax-base was small

So I built a big house with a pool
And drove around acting the tool
In my own private chopper
High above all clodhoppers
I made my competitors drool

But now I am sad to report
The Davy Gang went into court
I gave them my word
The scuttery turds
I should never have dealt with their sort

Though I lose my fine house and its pool
A Clareman is nobody’s fool
My investments are neat
And each one discrete
And Davy’s will sup on thin gruel

I was born in the Burren of Clare
Like limestone I’ll always be there
In Lisdoonvarna
A shed built by Barna
Will do till my fortunes repair

For an Anglo investor like me
It’s a terrible thing for to be
Cap in hand in the bank
Getting no bloody thanks
And whingeing on RTE


Prenderghast said...

Billyboy, that brought a tear to my eye. Beautiful.

(For all our overseas readers, Google "Bernard Mcnamara")

Anonymous said...

God bless and keep you, Prender's ghost, and may you live to see a hundred - and I don't mean that elusive big note that most of us will never see again. If it weren't for you the great min of the Tiger would be unwept and unsung. Our heroes bold of high renown. Sure didn't they buy the island of England in Dubai? There's patriotism for you. Revenge for Skibbereen. Up the sod! God save the FFers.


Anonymous said...

Not a Limerick, alas, but...

they say we can’t afford the poor
they are the wolf outside our door
pay them for idleness no more

they say we have to save the banks
who say otherwise are cranks
mark their debts paid with thanks

but think of the chairman & the board
& how the CEOs have scored
it’s the rich we can’t afford
it’s the rich we can’t afford

Billyboy (aka wannabeepoet)

Anonymous said...

Shit, a double!

Prenderghast said...

No worries, BB. It deserves to be read at least twice.

Philip said...

A leprechaun sat with his pot
At a nice rainbow-terminal spot.
Alas for his pride,
There was nothing inside,
For the bankers had taken the lot.

"Begorrah!" he cried, "it's all gonomey,
All me hope and me joy and me bonhomie.
I've lost all me gold
And me rainbow's been sold -
I've been fucked by the service economy."

Prenderghast said...

Ha ha ha. Brilliant, Phillip. I think we'll need a separate prize for polysyllabic repetition.

Philip said...

Our Catholic teaching's refined
To the training of body and mind.
We'll smack their wee hands
Away from their glands
And bugger them hard from behind.

Philip said...

The country of Behan and Beckett:
Sure, 'twould be a pity to wreck it,
And tasteless to mock
At an island in hock;
But that's how the world is, so feck it.

Prenderghast said...

I think we have the makings of an anthology here. Who the hell needs Beckett and Behan?!

savannah said...

so who won, sugar? xoxo

Prenderghast said...

Hi Savannah--

We're still counting up the bribes. Votes. I mean votes.

Bear with us.

ganching said...

There was a young curate from Dingle
Who no longer cared to be single
He went to the priest
Who said Iosa Criost
And sent him to Mountjoy to mingle

Prenderghast said...

Nice one Ganching. A touch of authenticity about it too. Thanks.