November 08, 2009

More Money Than Scents

Sometimes a fragrance will conjure up magical worlds and moments you could never possibly have dreamed of. Other times it will take you back to the most secret, intimate, hidden chambers of your past. Here's a roundup of the best-selling perfumes that will make perfect gifts this Christmas for friends, family, loved ones, colleagues, strangers, enemies, or that woman you stare at on the bus. Just be careful what you wish for.

Apple Bottom Fragrance (£50 for 1.7 oz.)

Base Notes: Citrus

Key Notes: Coconut, Cotton Candy

Top Notes: Apples, Caramel

Magical World: Lying in a hammock on a deserted island in the Indian Ocean.

Secret Chamber: The night you shagged that drunken carney round the back of the ghost train at Bridgend Fun Fair.

Chanel Cristal Eau Verte Eau de Toilette Concentrée (£103 for 3.4 oz.)

Base Notes: Magnolia

Key Notes: Bergamot

Top Notes: Lemon

Magical World: Waking up on a chilly fall morning to greet the sunshine with an exuberant leap of delight.

Secret Chamber: Limoncello cocktails repeating on you after a workmate's leaving do ended in a fist fight.

Euphoria Calvin Klein Eau de Toilette Spray (£80 for 5.3 oz.)

Base Notes: Musk

Key Notes: Sandalwood

Top Notes: Orchids

Magical World: Riding on horseback through the Appalachians with him wrapped tightly round you on a hot autumn afternoon.

Secret Chamber: That farm holiday in Wales when you caught the stable boy pulling off your pony.

A Scent by Issey Miyake (£130 for 3.0875 oz.)

Base Notes: Grass

Key Notes: Hyacinth, Magnolia

Top Notes: Jasmine

Magical World: Falling asleep on the blue grass of a Kentucky country hillside.

Secret Chamber: That dream you had about being in the Klan and committing racial genocide.

StellaNude by Stella McCartney (£25 for 0.0000027 oz.)

Base Notes: Peony

Key Notes: Rose

Top Notes: Grapefruit

Magical World: A refreshing, head-clearing combination intended to let you focus intently on each other's needs.

Secret Chamber: That Sunday lunch at the old people's home in 1976 where that bloke stuck a dirty finger up your skirt and tried to suffocate you with Glade.

Tocca Acqua Profumata Amalfi (£100 for 0.98 oz.)

Base Notes: Lavender

Key Notes: Violet, Rosemary

Top Notes: Mint

Magical World: Light spring rain, a field of blossoms, first romance, a gentle sirocco.

Secret Chamber: Burnt lamb chops on a beach barbecue during a Club 18-30 holiday in Morocco.

Prada L'Eau Ambree Deluxe (£973.94 for 973.94 oz.)

Base Notes: Amber

Key Notes: Rose

Top Notes: Citron

Magical World: An electric chill meant to recall that heart-stopping moment when he first smiled at you.

Secret Chamber: The rictus grin of an electrocuted child murderer you saw in Texas.

Miss Dior Chérie L'Eau (£398 for 6 oz.)

Base Notes: White Musk

Key Notes: Ozone

Top Notes: Orange

Magical World: Lying beneath an orange blossom tree, your dress covered in flowers.

Secret Chamber: The time after gym class when Liz Ryan sprayed you with Fanta as you came out of the showers.

Bath & Body Works P.S. I Love You Eau de Parfum (£25 for 7 oz.)

Base Notes: Lilies

Key Notes: Cotton

Top Notes: Roses

Magical World: The joy of a surprise bouquet from an unknown admirer that knocks you off your feet.

Secret Chamber: The flowers at your grandmother's funeral after she was knocked off her feet by an unknown joy rider.

Burberry The Beat (£10 for 15 lb.)

Base Notes: Pepper

Key Notes: Limes, Ozone

Top Notes: Mandarin

Magical World: Deep-sea diving off the Australian coast.

Secret Chamber: Muff-diving a duck, then eating it with toast.

Lola Marc Jacobs (£60 for 3 oz.)

Base Notes: Pear

Key Notes: Red Grapefruit, Fig

Top Notes: Carrot

Magical World: Flirting with him for the first time at a friend's party.

Secret Chamber: Farting on him for the first time after a friend's bet that you couldn't eat pear, figs, red grapefruit, and carrot at the same time.

Victoria's Secret Velvet Amber Blackberry (£95 for 8 oz.)

Base Notes: Licorice

Key Notes: Musk

Top Notes: Wood

Magical World: Picking out his favourite sweatshirt from the wash and wearing it in bed on a lazy Sunday.

Secret Chamber: Picking out splinters from your gash after falling drunk out of bed on a hazy Monday.

Circus Fantasy Britney Spears (£12 for 16 oz.)

Base Notes: Sugar

Key Notes: Raspberry

Top Notes: Vanilla

Magical World: Your happy, carefree youth, when the possibilities seemed endless and the future looked sweet.

Secret Chamber: Scary clowns.

Forever by Mariah Carey (£2.50 for 8 oz.)

Base Notes: White Musk

Key Notes: Leather

Top Notes: Green Apple

Magical World: The sweet familiar sensation of nestling in his embrace and counting all his charms.

Secret Chamber: The sickly sweet nest containing families of bacteria under his sweaty arms.

Parisienne Yves Saint Laurent (£75 for 6 oz.)

Base Notes: Cranberry

Key Notes: Citrus

Top Notes: Rose

Magical World: Striding confidently in those sexy high heels into a room of total strangers.

Secret Chamber: Standing astride a total stranger in a hotel room wearing nothing but your high heels.

Couture Couture by Juicy Couture (£40 for 4 oz.)

Base Notes: Honeysuckle

Key Notes: Chocolate

Top Notes: Plum

Magical World: That night you were the first one on the dancefloor and the life and soul of a party everyone will always remember.

Secret Chamber: That night you were so arseholed they couldn't pick you up off the dancefloor and you bought drinks for every British National Party member.

Avril Lavigne Black Star (£whatever we can get away with)

Base Notes: Pink hibiscus

Key Notes: Dark Chocolate

Top Notes: Caramel

Magical World: That unplanned night out with your dearest friends on Leeson Street when they fixed up a surprise date with your childhood love.

Secret Chamber: That unplanned pregnancy that the dearest doctor on Harley Street fixed so that you have no surprise love child. To date.

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Fat Sparrow said...

You know, I've been wearing Paloma Picasso for years, but I think I might just try Parisienne.

Prenderghast said...

Hey Sparrow

Are you sure you haven't confused the Magical World and Secret Chamber there? ;-)

Fat Sparrow said...

Well, I was planning on buying it for the Secret Chamber. I wouldn't pay £75 for a snifter-full for something I can already do.

And speaking of which, for £75 it had better come with a happy ending in that Secret Chamber, too, and I do mean me.

Demure Lemur said...

You left one out:

(not safe for work)

Prenderghast said...

Ha ha, excellent. Is that Magical World or Secret Chamber?

Or both?