October 26, 2009

Wheelie Free

The September issue of Cycling World magazine identifies 55 Momentous Events in the Life of a Cyclist:

1. Getting a flat tire and knowing what to do about it.

2. Sharing that first kiss with a fellow cyclist.

3. You’re left for dead by a woman . . . on rollerskates.

4. You can't understand why the local kids throw stones at you even though you're in a racing strip while riding a girl's bike with a bell and a wicker basket on it through Crumlin.

5. Your speedometer passes 25 m.p.h. for the first time and you know you’re ready to start cycling on the road.

6. You get clotheslined for cycling through a shopping centre.

7. People start to assume you’re interested in the Tour de France.

8. You go into work stinking of embrocation and nobody bothers to mention it anymore.

9. Forgetting you have no mudguard on the rear wheel and spraying dogshit all the way up your back.

10. You start wearing a helmet instead of looking like one.

11. Your first accident while wearing a helmet: Two broken wrists and a punctured lung.

12. You start hanging around the bike shop and nobody calls the police.

13. Taking pride in your haemorrhoids and comparing them with other cyclists’.

14. Your first flat hedgehog.

15. You begin to discover all the sexual possibilities offered by a bicycle pump.

16. Your son borrows your bicycle pump to blow up his football, but you say nothing.

17. Down the pub you realize that you prefer to drink everything through a straw.

18. You blow your nose onto other racers instead of your own shoulder.

19. You learn that traffic lights don’t apply to you.

20. You fly through a red light, hit the side of an Eddie Stobart truck, and get dragged 30 yards down the street when the clasp of your helmet gets caught.

21. You stay with the peloton long enough to appear on Channel 4 before being dragged off the road by marshalls.

22. Your partner spanks you and it no longer feels erotic because of all the calluses on your buttocks.

23. Some cunt opens his car door as you overtake.

24. You master keying Jags en passant.

25. Wearing out your first pair of nipple protectors.

26. You get such a thrill from shaving your legs that you nick the tip of your cock.

27. You ride through a big, congested city and feel smarter than everyone else because you're moving and they're not.

28. Washing your hair five times a day.

29. Lead poisoning.

30. Instead of finding the sheets stuck to the knee grazes you got from fucking on the carpet, it's stuck to your thighs where you fell off on gravel.

31. You're surrounded by heaving, sweaty men pumping their legs up and down with their arses stuck up in the air and you find nothing homoerotic about it.

32. You fix up your old bike to get someone into the sport.

33. You fix someone else's bike so they'll slide into traffic.

34. You pimp your ride.

35. Your ride cheats on you.

36. You sign a petition against an increase in the price of Immac.

37. You discover that a little whiskey in your water stops it from freezing. A lot of it stops you from freezing.

38. You ride through a pothole, and it's no big deal.

39. You courier for potheads and get burned on the big deal.

40. You go out riding in the freezing fog.

41. You find out why only idiots go out cycling in the freezing fog.

42. You wrap tape round your handlebars for better grip.

43. You can't let go of the handlebars to wave to your kids.

44. You outsprint a rabid dog.

45. Witnesses call for sharpshooters after seeing you foaming at the mouth during a 50k in July.

46. You find out you've been mispronouncing Eddy Merckx for the last 25 years.

47. You sneer at Top Gear viewers.

48. You're caught masturbating over fold-out pictures of a Giant Avail Advanced 1 Women’s Bike.

49. You claim you were sniffing the saddle, even though it's a photo.

50. Your first Glasgow kiss from a fellow cyclist.

51. Your first positive dope test.

52. You take pride in your testicular cancer diagnosis.

53. You appear in the national papers for first-degree murder of a traffic warden.

54. Your first life sentence.

55. You develop an unrivalled reputation as the prison bike.

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Manuel said...

34 and 35.....thought i was gonna pee myself....ha!

Fat Sparrow said...

Couldn't really identify, as I never learned how to ride a bike.

But I do read "S&M 4x4ers," so I can feel your pain on #22.

Those CJ's that haven't had aftermarket shocks added are a bitch.

Prenderghast said...

Which definition of CJ are you using, Sparrow?


Prenderghast said...

Hey Manuel--

Specially included for our Irish readers. ;-)

Fat Sparrow said...

Actually, it's this one, although I did have a really good laugh over this here one, too. Specially included for your Irish readers.

Even with the shocks, I still enjoy a rough ride.