July 02, 2009

Mount Every Climber

Recently discovered papers in the archives of Oscar Hammerstein II suggest that if the lyricist had had his way, the hit musical The Sound of Music would have had a very different plotline and tone to the one we all know and . . . know.


The hills are alive, I can hear them screaming
The drugs I have done, give me a thousand ears
Black blood fills my eyes, and I think I'm dreaming,
My heart slams against my cheeks and sneers.

My heart wants to grab the hinds legs of the cows
that fly from the lake into space
My heart wants to sigh like Chinese flies
and slap Winston Churchill's face
To laugh like a drain when he trips and falls over
pissed in the dark
To crawl through the night like a blindman learning to park

I go to the pub when my heart is lonely
I know I will drink like never before
My liver will be blessed with the joy of boozing
And I'll sing once more.


Seafood in plastic and frostbite on kittens,
Small stupid children in bed wearing mittens,
Brown diseased parakeets clipped of their wings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Boxes of crayons for making rude doodles,
Dormice and headlice snuck into Pot Noodles.
Wild geese that bounce off propellers with pings.
These are a few of my favorite things.

Girls in white knickers with pink silky gashes,
Snowploughs that slice off your nose and eyelashes,
Silver white powders that give you a zing,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When your dog dies, when your pee stings,
When you're feeling sad,
Just simply remember your favorite things,
And then you won't feel so bad.


Idle vice, Idle vice, every morning you beat me
Warm and white,
Hand held tight,
Polish your helmet so sweetly
Blossom of snow
May your fluids flow,
Pump out and flow forever
Idle vice, idle vice, bless my right hand forever


You're size sixty, going on seventy
Baby, it's time to think
Staple your stomach, cut out the brisket
Baby, you're on the brink

You're size sixty, going on seventy
Fellows will laugh with glee
Eager young lads and rogues and cads
Will joke about BSE.

Totally unprepared are you
To face the world's contempt
Skinny and shallow and hateful they are
Of all things fat and unkempt

You need someone bigger and wider
Someone to shield behind
I'm size seventy, going on eighty
I'll bear your weight in mind

I'm size sixty, going on seventy
I know that I'm not svelte
But fellows I meet may want me to eat
And their hearts I'll surely melt

I'm size sixty, going on seventy
Corpulent as a whale
Old chubby chasers, feeders, embracers,
Will all fuck me without fail

Totally unprepared they'll be
I'm all woman, every bit
Gasping for air and ecstatic they'll be
When on their faces I sit

I don't need someone filled with self-hatred
Telling me what to do
You're size seventy, going on eighty
I bet they'd fuck you too.


Let's start at the very beginning
It's a very good place to start
When you first got the dough you thought "lucky me"
Then you gave it to Ray and now you're un-hap-py

Dough-Ray-Me, Dough-Ray-Me
The first three notes just happen to be
Dough-Ray-Me, Dough-Ray-Me

Let's see if I can make it easy

Dough, is dosh, is wads of dosh,
Ray, the bloke you gave it to
Me, the nob, who saw him go
Far, where Ray is thanks to you
So, you've got to track him down
La, a Scouser who you know,
He will shoot Ray in the head
And will bring you back the dough, dough, dough, dough etc.

(Children join in, mime shooting Ray and so on).

Not shown here: "How Do You Solve a Problem Like Chlamydia?" "So Long, Farewell (The Cattle-Truck Song)", and "The Lonely Goatboy."

Stumble Upon Toolbar


Martin said...

What about "I've Thrown My Custard On Her Face" from My Fair Lady and "Got No Speed To Keep Me Up" from Pinocchio?

cakes said...

I always liked "Make 'Em Barf" from "Singin' in the Rain". Seriously alarming that you know enough of "The Sound of Music" to know what Oscar meant to write.

Prenderghast said...

Archives, Cakes. Archives!