May 15, 2008

Stakeholders Wanted

We are a long-established, reputable multinational organization in the process of expanding our overseas offices and developing our brand identity in a highly competitive market. At this exciting time in our history, we are looking for well-educated and confident individuals demonstrating a track record of innovation and imaginative thinking to join our charismatic team of creative, dynamic, and forward-thinking reps. This post would suit enthusiastic, cheerful, outgoing individuals with high self-esteem and the zeal to make their mark in a challenging and high-profile work environment.

We now have several vacancies for the post of:


to start immediately in our Bury St. Edmunds branch. The ideal candidate will be male, over 21, and in possession of a full, clean, scything licence. He should have a nose for hocus pocus, an inquisitive disposition, and the capacity to insinuate himself into the company of strangers in order to elicit information from casual conversations down the tavern. This post involves a lot of travel, so candidates can expect to be away from their families for long stretches of time. A single man will have the advantage of fewer ties, but he would need to demonstrate a mature resistance to the wiles of succubuses, incubuses, arquebuses, etc; a candidate who has been married for many years and who has consequently acquired both a familiarity with feminine trickery and a desire to venture forth in the world would also be highly suitable.

Misogyny, while not essential, could be an advantage. A capacity to work well under stress and without exhibiting pity will be useful, as will a facility with large crowds. Extensive training in the construction of bonfires and use of ducking stools will be given on the job, and candidates should also be aware that much of the work involves the supervision of surly locals. Clothing and travel allowances accompany a very attractive remunerative package for the right individual.

If you think you have what it takes and aren't averse to acting on malicious gossip, contact (by pigeon post/snail mail)

Matt Hale (Sir)
Lord Chief Baron of the Exchequer
Synod of the Witchfinders General
St. Albans

Advert from the March 15th, 1660, issue of The Moderate.

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