Hot Wheels

The 2009 Jaguar XF (base price €49,975–€52,975) is an athletic five-seater that defies the marque's long-held traditions. Jaguar has spent too many years hiding inside the stylistic umbras and penumbras of what it shaped 50 years ago, but the designers have finally been bold enough to give their imaginations free rein, and the XF offers a new face, a new body, and a new way of establishing motoring fashion. Buyers have a choice of two XFs: a Luxury model on 18-inch wheels powered by a 300 hp 4.2-liter V-8, or a Supercharged version on 20-inchers with adaptive damping and 420 hp at 6,250 rpm. In testing, the front seats presented a shallow silhouette, which meant that any sudden disturbance or cause for alarm resulted in bruises on the back of the head from returning too quickly to an upright position, and the automatic gearstick had to be kept in reverse rather than park during rear entry. The back seats have no reclining option, limiting both positions that can be used and the number of viewers.

The Aston Martin DBS is a two-door coupe that looks like a million bucks, which means that a base price of €265,000 sounds like a steal. Nonetheless, that kind of money should buy exclusivity, particularly when one considers that the almost equally striking DB9 costs approximately €100,000 less. There are numerous differences between the two cars, however, and the DBS boasts Aston's strongest engine, a 5.9-liter V-12 that provides 510 horsepower and 420 pound-feet of torque. No more than 600 DBS models will be built each year, and just 150 to 200 will be earmarked for the Irish and U.K. market. We would usually advise our users to steer clear of two-doors for the simple reasons that the interior is cramped and the viewing options limited. No more than a handful of companions can observe a performance, and if any one of them engages in seagulling (splattering the front windscreen with semen), there are only a couple of windows available for observation. The DBS comes with additional side windows, however, and a curved front windscreen, and the fact that the roof comes off means that the number of positions and participants are limited really only by your imagination.

Honda's new Accord Coupe EX-L V-6 (base price €28,945) has the attractive design that is essential in the coupe market. It may not be as stylish as the 2008 Altima coupe, but the Accord's svelte lines are perhaps better balanced and provide more space inside and a significantly bigger trunk. Moreover, its superior sedan underpinnings mean that the Accord coupe is the better car, and its smooth 3.5-liter V-6 engine produces a sure 268 horsepower and 248 pound-feet of torque, which is enough to take it from zero to 60 mph in 5.6 seconds, 0.2 seconds quicker than the Altima. Nonetheless, at a cost of €31,145 fully loaded with nav, the Accord coupe is worryingly close to the BMW 128i's price range; what's more, the nav could not be preprogrammed to locate arranged rendezvous points. This was not a problem during testing in the Lidl carpark in Balbriggan, but users travelling to Leitrim and Roscommon have reported difficulty in finding locations and consequently encountering difficulties with locals and the gardai. The size of the trunk, while accommodating, is only really suitable for solo performances, autofellation, and the like, or perhaps spooning dwarves.

The Alfa Romeo marque will return to the Irish and U.K. market later this year with 84 cars from a limited production run of 500 of the 8C Competizione (estimated base price €250,000). Essentially an ambassador for the line of Alfas that should follow, the two-seater coupe revives the name of the remarkable supercharged eight-cylinder Alfa sports cars of the 1930s. Critics have dismissed the 8C as nothing more than a rebodied Maserati, and although the structure does contain elements from the Maserati Coupé and the suspension has been borrowed from the GranTurismo, everything above the waistline and all the outer body panels are carbon fiber. The 8C is powered by a wet-sump version of Maserati's Ferrari-built V-8, enlarged to 4.7 liters and capable of 444 hp. The sturdy suspension means that the 8C can take a real pounding, making it ideal for plumpers, threesomes, gang bangs, and the use of machinery. Many of you will remember the time Jim and Nora from Mullingar used a modified Kangol hammer for their performance at the camp site at Slane. Well, that was an Alfa Romeo. Incidentally, we hope all the internal stitches have dissolved by now, guys. ;-)

Chevrolet's three-year-old Equinox SUV has been given the automotive equivalent of a Botox injection with the introduction of a 2008 Sport model (base price $29,595) with greater horsepower. Until now, all Equinoxes were equipped with a 3.4-liter pushrod V-6 making 185 bhp, but the Sport version, which commands a €5,000 premium over the base four-wheel-drive model, offers 264 almost raucous ponies from a DOHC 3.6-liter V-6 with 6-speed automatic transmission. Unfortunately, the new engine is stuck with an SUV that has a rental-car interior, a U-turn-killing 41.8-foot turning circle, and fuel economy of just 17 mpg on test. Of course, a rental-car interior is not all bad, since it means easy wipe-down and stain removal. Specialists who engage in water sports or "red wing" cunnilingus will find the Equinox the perfect vehicle for their activities, although the high front seats mean that it is difficult to obtain the necessary purchase for the wheelbarrow or anal.

Equipped with ten air bags, including side curtains for three rows of passengers, as well as acres of interior leather, the reborn-for-2008 Toyota Land Cruiser (base price €63,885) leaves the rawhide and roughnecking to lesser models. Copious amounts of insulation and isolation are used to cloak the Cruiser's machinery, partly to justify a €6,985 increase in the base price, and the vehicle is equipped with the same 5.7-liter V-8 and 6-speed automatic used in the Tundra pickup. I met my wife in a 2006 Land Cruiser, so this vehicle holds a particular fondness for me; I rimmed her in the back seat outside Arklow train station at three on a Sunday night surrounded by a crowd of about 30 onlookers and well-wishers. And of course, we've never looked back (although we'll be celebrating the anniversary of that first meeting by repeating the performance; keep an eye on your cell phones!). As most of you already know, the Land Cruiser isn't really built for oral-anal pleasure, but we got carried away and wanted to explore its possibilities. A simple handjob into the cupholder simply isn't enough, as I'm sure you'd agree.

And finally, a brief reminder that the annual Vintage Car Rally at Florencecourt is coming up next month. We are hoping to have an erection of some description there for all of you to have a look at. Ask for the Aston Martins and we'll be in the copse behind. Come take a peek. And come!



Car reviews from the Spring 2008 newsletter Irish Dogging Enthusiast.