Those Krazy Europeans!!

In honour of tonight’s Eurovision Song Contest, here’s a list of some little-known and rarely acknowledged customs, traditions, and legislation passed by the governments of that weird little continent we all know and distrust:


In Romania, socks must always be worn on the outside of shoes, and neither can be worn in public.

In Moldova, all set school texts must be available in Klingon.

In Slovakia, all homes built after 1957 are required to have four more doors than windows.

In Albania, cell phones must carry a “Snoopy for President” sticker.

In Spain, recovering alcoholics cannot become psychiatrists and vice versa.

In direct homage to Napoleon Bonaparte, France only awards the Legion d'Honneur to people under 5 ft. 6 in. in height. Recipients include Edith Piaf, Kylie Minogue, Charles Aznavour, Didier Deschamps, Didier Six, Chris De Burgh, Willie Carson, and Sooty.

By the age of 21, all Italian men must be able to make their own shoes.

Post-World War 2 treaties forbid the building of bunkers in Germany, although, as the result of an oversight, Austria is excluded.

The beer purity laws are so strict in the Czech Republic that no brewer passed the standard for over 150 years.

Condoms are compulsory for pets in Portugal.

The Dutch aren't really the tallest nation in Europe: They just wear cheese lifts in their shoes.

French film scripts must include one word of which there is no equivalent in English.

The European Union has made it illegal for any country other than Ireland or Iceland to pretend they share their nation with elves.

Switzerland is the only country in Europe to have more keys per capita than locks.

Due to a trade agreement with Greece, in Estonia a "continental breakfast" includes squid.

In Russia you have to be at least 18 years old to buy fireworks, with the exception of Catherine Wheels, for which you must be 19.

In Norway it is illegal to share your toothbrush with an elk.

In Lithuania, owners of staplers must register them with the local council.

In Hungary, nonmembers of swimming clubs are required to wear mittens and shoes in the pool.

In Sweden, it is illegal for women to wear baseball caps on backwards.

In Slovenia, it is obligatory to pray to the milk God before starting breakfast.


More to follow, no doubt.

Words to Live By

From an introductory textbook to philosophy for U.S. high school students. Chapter 2: Ethics. Subsection 1: Proverbs.

Proverbs are concise, pithy sayings in frequent and widespread use that express basic truths or which offer a moral guideline to practical living. Among the most common in use today are


Spare the rod and spoil the broth

Many hands make light aircraft

People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw parties

You can't make an omelette without breaking wind

Out of sight is out of Africa

There's many a slip twix the longer lasting snack

Jack of all trades, master of Atlantis

A woman's place is in the fridge

First come, first asleep

The early bird catches the cold

Necessity is the mother of all evil

A friend in need is a friend in debt

Garbage in, garbage can

There's no fool like an old etonian

A rolling stone gathers no rosebuds

Actions speak louder than mimes

Better to die with honour than live with Regis and Kelly

The love of money is the root of invention

Familiarity breeds chickens

Still waters run away

Finders keepers, losers take the bus

and of course

All good things come to an


Did I miss any?

In Lieu of Friends

Beautiful, sexy, massively endowed, highly intelligent longtime fan of this blog Martin has tagged KRS to complete a music meme that's doing the rounds. Since we've run out of anything funny to say, it'll kill a bit of time and space to oblige:

List seven songs you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they’re not any good, but they must be songs you’re really enjoying now, shaping your spring. Post these instructions in your blog along with your 7 songs. Then tag 7 other people to see what they’re listening to.

1: "Kinky Boots," by Patrick MacNee and Honor Blackman.

I listen to this song first thing every morning. It gets me in the right mood for the day and reminds me to put my shoes on. Only appropriate, I think, to dedicate it this morning to John Terry.


2: "Bertha de Sade," by Agnes Bernelle.

I have two CD players at home. One of them plays this song on repeat, constantly, and has done every day since Aggy died ten years ago. I do miss her so. Who knows what mischief we might have gotten up to had we ever met.


3: "Famous for All the Wrong Reasons," by Harbingers.

Manchester's best band ever, no argument. They shit on the Stone Roses. The thinking man's (and woman's) Fall. A major source of inspiration for this blog. The Kettle Will Always Be On. This is their spring song. Cheer up.


4: "Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini," by Bombalurina.

The comic genius that is Timmy Mallett. What more need we say?


5: "Lawd I'm Just a Country Boy in This Great Big Freaky City," by the Sir Douglas Quintet.

I sit on the verandah of a weekend evening, roll a massive spliff, crank up the Victorola to 11, and pretend I'm in Mendocino. Then I pass out and it rains and I spend the week in bed sick. The perfect holiday.


6: "Only Losers Take the Bus," by the Fatima Mansions.

This one always gets the juices flowing. I must remember to buy me some dancing shoes for when Thatcher dies.


7: "Medium Dog Barking," by Medium Dog.

Subtler than Big Dog Barking, less sentimental than Small Dog Barking. I could listen to this all day, although I could say the same about Puppy in a Box and Horse Eating. Essential listening for the summer and my tip for Christmas Number One.


I don't think I know seven people to tag, but I do have a blog roll, and what's that for if not to palm off pointless exercises on people? Rosie, Sam, Jimmny, Accent Monkey, Ganching, E. M. Esq., and J.J., consider yourself It. Don't hate me.

Bartender Bill

There are some questions that a man can’t ask his best friend, his priest, his girl, or his dog. When your life’s on the rocks, Bartender Bill will give it to you straight.


Dear Bill

Do shampoos for retaining and thickening my hair really work?

Mike S.
Lansing, Michigan


Mike

You’re talking about the hair on your head, right? Because nobody but a California rent boy and maybe David Blaine pours anything, I mean anything, on his pubes. You got me? So. The shampoos. No, they don’t retain. Yes, they can thicken. But why do you want to keep your hair anyway, you nancy boy? A bald head says to a dame “look how much testosterone I’ve got flowing through my veins, sister. I’m a walking cock. Fancy a stroll?”



Dear Bill

How long after consuming alcohol should I wait before exercising?

Larry
Boise, Idaho


Larry

You’ve got a fucking girl’s name, which tells me you never take more than two drinks in a session. And probably cocktails. Tequila Sunrises, I’ll bet. You queer. Anyway, to answer your stupid frigging question. If you’re on nothing stronger than beer, you can exercise at the same time as you drink. You don’t think that’s really Gatorade in those bottles the Cowboys are slurping from, do you? Get real, bozo. If, on the other hand, you’ve been on a real bender, with beer, Scotch, brandy, Jagermeister, depth charges, shots off a whore’s belly, and all the rest, then you should probably wait until you get outside the bar, at which point a vigorous physical workout is an excellent idea and will most likely prevent you from puking. Try picking an argument with a complete stranger. Next question.


Dear Bill

I've started snoring. How can I stop?

Ken
Buffalo, N.J.


Ken

WAKE UP YOU LAZY MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!


Dear Bill

I find that I bear grudges against people for long periods of time. How can I get over them faster?

Jerry
Austin, Texas


Hey Jerry

Grudges are what losers have instead of self-respect. If you want to get rid of them, get even. Nothing tastes more delicious than revenge, especially when you do it anonymously. Find out if the guy has kids or pets. Those are usually a good way to get back at him. Listen: Once you savour that sweet sweet taste of vengeance, let me tell you, you won’t have no grudges any more. Just real good feelings about yourself. Go get em, champ!


Dear Bill

How can I customize my car to turn it into a pussy magnet?

Karl
Kansas City, Missouri


Karl

Let me guess: You’re a short guy, right? Glasses? Don’t know how to talk to women? I reckon you probably grew up in a house with no sisters. And you’re expecting that if you pimp your car, all of a sudden the girls are gonna want to show you some gearstick action. Well, it ain’t gonna happen, kid, so wise up. Women have their own cars these days, so they can pleasure themselves in that department, if you catch my drift. What you really need to pimp is your personality, numbnuts. And maybe get some frigging exercise instead of drivin’ everywhere, you milquetoast fuck.



Dear Bill

How long should I wait before I kill again?

Charles
Portland, Oregon


Hey Chuck

That depends on whether you regard murder as a hobby or a profession. What do the voices say? Going from conversations with my regulars, I understand that the traditional gap between murders is one lunar cycle, but that doesn't mean that you have to follow tradition. Unless, that is, God tells you to.

Good luck!


Dear Bill

My kid lives on nothing but fish fingers. How can I get him to expand his palate?

Michael
Stockport, England


Michael

You’re English, right? You should count yourself lucky your kid can eat anything in that shithole of a country of yours. Your food really fucking stinks. Get some perspective. If you want him to diversify, try sprinkling some pepper or some vinegar on his fish sticks now and then. Or lemon, maybe. If you want him to grow up to be queen.

Tally ho!


Dear Bill

My eyes have started to wander. How can I stop myself from scratching the itch?

Burt
Chicago, Illinois


Hey Burt

I know what you mean. I get this all the time from guys coming into my bar, and I always have to tell them, there ain’t no easy answer. You can try spicing up your love life at home, but let me tell you, it usually only makes things more grotesque than they already are, and your contempt for your good lady wife will only get worse if you dress her up in rubber. Besides, it does nothing for the figure, and shaving is always a mistake after menopause. But you sound like a good guy who doesn’t want to do the dirty on his missus, so the best advice I can give you is to get yourself online, buy an annual subscription to ItalianMommasPlayDirty.com, and stock your games room with crates of mansize tissues. And put a new lock on that door.


Dear Bill

My boss takes credit for my work. How can I get some recognition?

Keith
London, Ontario


Eh, Keith. If it’s recognition from your boss’s superiors you’re after, well you ain’t gonna get none this side of the grave, my boy. Life doesn’t work like that. You lick your boss’s ass and he licks his boss's ass. Credit travels upwards, shit trickles down. You wanna get some recognition, you wanna get noticed by anybody else in this world, let me tell you, you’re gonna have to go in to that office armed up to the oxters and shoot that ungrateful no-good conniving son of a bitch right between his greedy, hate-filled, scum-sucking eyes. And put another round in his fat fucking belly for me while you’re at it. Live the American dream.


Dear Bill

At what age should I give up my dream of becoming a pro footballer? I’m 49 now.

Brian
Dublin, Ohio


Hey Brian

Never give up that dream. Dreams are what keep us going. You’re only 49. And hey, you live in Ohio. You never know!


Dear Bill

How can I stop losing to my 10-year-old nephew at video games? The little bastard beats me hands down every time, even at NASCAR.

Graham
Bowling Green, Kentucky


Graham

Like anything else in life, results come with hard work. The simple answer, I’m afraid, is Practice. Practice, Practice, Practice. You wanna beat your nephew, you gotta quit your job, go out buy yourself a big bag of speed, and stay home 24 hours a day, seven days a week, till you got that motherfucker down to a biscuit. I know it sounds like a lot to ask of yourself, but think how much you're gonna enjoy seeing the look on that little cunt’s face when you whop his ass at Mario Kart.

Stamp Collecting, by Kevin

Stamp collecting is ace. A lot of people think that it is not ace, but they are wrong. Stamp collecting means collecting stamps that are used on envelopes, envelopes being folded pieces of paper that are used to send love letters, birthday cards, electricity bills, ransom notes, death threats, lockets of hair, money, fingernails, and so on, through the post (but not ears—you are thinking of the film Blue Velvet, which was fiction—the envelope would fall apart because of all the blood). Stamps can be used as an alternative to currency, and because all the mail in the United Kingdom belongs to the queen, this makes her a very rich woman. Most of her wealth comes from stamps. People generally do not realize this, which is probably why so many of them think stamp collecting is crap instead of really good.

Another man who made a lot of money as a result of stamp collecting is the slum landlord Nicholas van Hoogestraten. He got his start in slum landlordism from selling his stamp collection for £30,000, which was a lot of money in the 1960s, which is when this was when it was. Hoogestraten had such an excellent stamp collection because his father was a shipping agent, who obtained stamps from all over the world for his son as a result. My father works for the Gas Board in Cheltenham. When I began my collection in the 1970s, it was with Green Shield stamps. Green Shield stamps are like postage stamps except they cannot be used as postage. Nonetheless, they can be exchanged for real things, such as the Ronco Electric Cat Brush/Harmonica and the K-Tel Telescopic Oven Radio. My father would let me stick all the Green Shield stamps in the special Green Shield stamp album and for a few weeks the entire collection was mine, until he went to the shops and exchanged it for something useful. This, for me, was like magic and inspired me to begin my collection.

Some people who are "into" stamp collecting like to collect stamps from lots of different countries from all around the world, but what is the point of that? There are millions of stamps in the world, and they will never collect all of them. Personally, I prefer to focus on one stamp, which comes from a country in Africa known as Zaire. The genius of this is that Zaire stopped making stamps in 1997, probably when everybody got mobile phones and email, so there is only a finite number of Zairean stamps to collect.

Zairean stamps come in two denominations: the 12 makuta stamp, for local letters, and the 3-zaire stamp, for overseas letters. There are far fewer 3-zaire stamps because people in Zaire did not send many letters abroad. They didn't get on. Consequently, this gives me a much better chance of cornering the market in 3-zaire stamps. So far, I have 4,713 3-zaire stamps. Some of them are mint. I am not entirely sure how many 3-zaire stamps were made altogether, but there can't be many more to go. Then I shall have a monopoly and will be able to charge whatever I like for them. Alternatively, I could use them as my own personal stamp, putting them on envelopes so that the recipients will know that they are from me. But that would probably be a waste.

Do not forget when you are mounting your stamps that you should not lick the reverse of the stamp when you put it in your album. If you do this, it will be impossible to remove the stamp from the album when you want to use it to send letters or to sell to someone, and your mother will have to cut around it very carefully, using scissors. Not normal scissors, either, but those special crimped ones that give wiggly edges. Like a stamp has. And even then the prospective customer may spot what you've done and not want to buy your stamp off you after all.

No. You must use special mounts. This will cut into your profits, of course, but it is probably still a worthwhile expense, because the last thing you want is to have book after book of entirely useless stamps worth bugger all on the open market festering in your attic. That would be a calamity. People would laugh at you, if they knew.

There now. I hope you will take up stamp collecting now that I have shown you how good it is. If you would like to buy some stamps from me, please do not hesitate to get in touch. Most of them are in really decent condition.

Thank you.


(Kevin MacPherson is Stanley Gibbons Professor of Philately and Anal Retention at Guildford College of F.E.)

Thoughts for Today

From the U.S. high school textbook An Introduction to Philosophy. The Pre-Socratics:


The radical scepticism of Socrates constituted a turning point in the development of philosophy, Greek culture, and, as a result, the whole of Western civilization. Prior to his appearance, philosophers were groping around blindly in the dark, generating speculative descriptions of the world that bordered on the insane. Here are just a few of the wild imaginings of the Pre-Socratics:

Thales of Miletus: The father of philosophy. Thales believed that everything in the universe was made of water, the prime substance. Fire is merely highly agitated water, Earth is water solidified, and Air is evaporated water. All forms of matter are thus manifestations of Water in one form or another.

Anaximenes of Miletus: Didn’t get on with Thales at all. Anaximenes argued that everything in the universe is made out of Air. Fire is highly agitated air, not water. Water is condensed air. And Earth is solidified air. Challenged Thales to a race to determine who was right; Anaximenes would run in his “air” while Thales would run in his “water.” Thales’ response is not recorded.

Heraclitus: The earliest philosopher whom anyone has heard of, mainly because of his argument that the universe is in a permanent state of flux and all stability is illusory. “You cannot step into the same river twice,” he said. “Especially not in Greece.” What is usually forgotten is that Heraclitus also believed that the prime substance of the universe is Fire, but he was never daft enough to challenge Thales or Anaximenes to a race, even though it would have reinforced his views on motion.

Anaxagoras the Slow: A firm believer that that everything in the world is made of Earth, mainly because three of the four elements were already taken and he was keen to make a name for himself. Demonstrated his commitment to his philosophy by eating only earth. Died young. Left no school.

Philospectores: Came up with a syncretistic cosmological system according to which everything was made of Earth, Wind and Fire. Would have made a great record producer.

Parmenides of Elea: Argued against Heraclitus that all motion is illusory and that there can be no more than one substance in the universe. All apparent distinctions are illusory. The universe can be conceptualized as a big ball of matter, or better yet, a bubble, with lots of pretty colours moving on its surface. A lovely image but difficult to prove.

Zeno of Elea: All motion is illusory. To get from point a to point b you would have to traverse an infinite number of points in between, which would thus take an eternity. Zeno tired of philosophy very quickly and left to set up a driving school that never got anywhere.

Anaxolotl: Believed that everything in the universe is made of meat, reasoning that grass is inchoate meat, turned into meat through being consumed by animals, who are themselves entirely made of meat, and then they die and are turned into clay, a form of condensed, rotted meat, which then becomes grass again. Famous for his Meat Cycle cosmogony. Very popular with butchers.

Pythagoras the Smart: Big into math. The whole universe is made up of numbers and derivatives thereof. A big fan of beans. He believed beans had souls. Didn’t stop him eating them by the truckload, mind you. Had very few friends.

Prophylaxis of Sparta: Remembered for arguing that everything in the universe is made of wood. Water is condensed wood, Fire is burnt wood, Air is evaporated wood, and Earth is crushed wood. Boats, especially, are made of wood.

Anti-Prophylaxis of Piraeus: A follower of Prophylaxis of Sparta until the day he saw a number of untethered, unmanned boats in the harbour at Piraeus. Anti-Prophylaxis (whose real name is unknown) conjectured that this was their natural state and that consequently everything is, in fact, made of wooden boats. The appearance of their manufacture by men is an illusion. The wooden boat theory of the universe is widely regarded as the nadir of Western Philosophy.

Pre-Socrates: The founder of the Pre-Socratic school of philosophy who nonetheless appeared after all those philosophers considered to be members of his school. Pre-Socrates claimed all his predecessors as his followers, calling them “premature Pre-Socratics.” His philosophy can generally be summed up in the well-known phrase “Doubt Nothing.” Everything is true, including all the diverse philosophies that have come before. There is no need to ask any questions about the universe. Philosophy is a waste of time. Let’s shut up shop and go home. Or better yet, let’s go get pissed and screw for the afternoon.


The rest, as they say, is history. Of philosophy.



(Next class – Aristotle: The Greek Geek)

Stakeholders Wanted

We are a long-established, reputable multinational organization in the process of expanding our overseas offices and developing our brand identity in a highly competitive market. At this exciting time in our history, we are looking for well-educated and confident individuals demonstrating a track record of innovation and imaginative thinking to join our charismatic team of creative, dynamic, and forward-thinking reps. This post would suit enthusiastic, cheerful, outgoing individuals with high self-esteem and the zeal to make their mark in a challenging and high-profile work environment.

We now have several vacancies for the post of:

WITCHFINDER

to start immediately in our Bury St. Edmunds branch. The ideal candidate will be male, over 21, and in possession of a full, clean, scything licence. He should have a nose for hocus pocus, an inquisitive disposition, and the capacity to insinuate himself into the company of strangers in order to elicit information from casual conversations down the tavern. This post involves a lot of travel, so candidates can expect to be away from their families for long stretches of time. A single man will have the advantage of fewer ties, but he would need to demonstrate a mature resistance to the wiles of succubuses, incubuses, arquebuses, etc; a candidate who has been married for many years and who has consequently acquired both a familiarity with feminine trickery and a desire to venture forth in the world would also be highly suitable.

Misogyny, while not essential, could be an advantage. A capacity to work well under stress and without exhibiting pity will be useful, as will a facility with large crowds. Extensive training in the construction of bonfires and use of ducking stools will be given on the job, and candidates should also be aware that much of the work involves the supervision of surly locals. Clothing and travel allowances accompany a very attractive remunerative package for the right individual.

If you think you have what it takes and aren't averse to acting on malicious gossip, contact (by pigeon post/snail mail)



Matt Hale (Sir)
Lord Chief Baron of the Exchequer
Synod of the Witchfinders General
St. Albans
Herts.



Advert from the March 15th, 1660, issue of The Moderate.

Hot Wheels

The 2009 Jaguar XF (base price €49,975–€52,975) is an athletic five-seater that defies the marque's long-held traditions. Jaguar has spent too many years hiding inside the stylistic umbras and penumbras of what it shaped 50 years ago, but the designers have finally been bold enough to give their imaginations free rein, and the XF offers a new face, a new body, and a new way of establishing motoring fashion. Buyers have a choice of two XFs: a Luxury model on 18-inch wheels powered by a 300 hp 4.2-liter V-8, or a Supercharged version on 20-inchers with adaptive damping and 420 hp at 6,250 rpm. In testing, the front seats presented a shallow silhouette, which meant that any sudden disturbance or cause for alarm resulted in bruises on the back of the head from returning too quickly to an upright position, and the automatic gearstick had to be kept in reverse rather than park during rear entry. The back seats have no reclining option, limiting both positions that can be used and the number of viewers.

The Aston Martin DBS is a two-door coupe that looks like a million bucks, which means that a base price of €265,000 sounds like a steal. Nonetheless, that kind of money should buy exclusivity, particularly when one considers that the almost equally striking DB9 costs approximately €100,000 less. There are numerous differences between the two cars, however, and the DBS boasts Aston's strongest engine, a 5.9-liter V-12 that provides 510 horsepower and 420 pound-feet of torque. No more than 600 DBS models will be built each year, and just 150 to 200 will be earmarked for the Irish and U.K. market. We would usually advise our users to steer clear of two-doors for the simple reasons that the interior is cramped and the viewing options limited. No more than a handful of companions can observe a performance, and if any one of them engages in seagulling (splattering the front windscreen with semen), there are only a couple of windows available for observation. The DBS comes with additional side windows, however, and a curved front windscreen, and the fact that the roof comes off means that the number of positions and participants are limited really only by your imagination.

Honda's new Accord Coupe EX-L V-6 (base price €28,945) has the attractive design that is essential in the coupe market. It may not be as stylish as the 2008 Altima coupe, but the Accord's svelte lines are perhaps better balanced and provide more space inside and a significantly bigger trunk. Moreover, its superior sedan underpinnings mean that the Accord coupe is the better car, and its smooth 3.5-liter V-6 engine produces a sure 268 horsepower and 248 pound-feet of torque, which is enough to take it from zero to 60 mph in 5.6 seconds, 0.2 seconds quicker than the Altima. Nonetheless, at a cost of €31,145 fully loaded with nav, the Accord coupe is worryingly close to the BMW 128i's price range; what's more, the nav could not be preprogrammed to locate arranged rendezvous points. This was not a problem during testing in the Lidl carpark in Balbriggan, but users travelling to Leitrim and Roscommon have reported difficulty in finding locations and consequently encountering difficulties with locals and the gardai. The size of the trunk, while accommodating, is only really suitable for solo performances, autofellation, and the like, or perhaps spooning dwarves.

The Alfa Romeo marque will return to the Irish and U.K. market later this year with 84 cars from a limited production run of 500 of the 8C Competizione (estimated base price €250,000). Essentially an ambassador for the line of Alfas that should follow, the two-seater coupe revives the name of the remarkable supercharged eight-cylinder Alfa sports cars of the 1930s. Critics have dismissed the 8C as nothing more than a rebodied Maserati, and although the structure does contain elements from the Maserati Coupé and the suspension has been borrowed from the GranTurismo, everything above the waistline and all the outer body panels are carbon fiber. The 8C is powered by a wet-sump version of Maserati's Ferrari-built V-8, enlarged to 4.7 liters and capable of 444 hp. The sturdy suspension means that the 8C can take a real pounding, making it ideal for plumpers, threesomes, gang bangs, and the use of machinery. Many of you will remember the time Jim and Nora from Mullingar used a modified Kangol hammer for their performance at the camp site at Slane. Well, that was an Alfa Romeo. Incidentally, we hope all the internal stitches have dissolved by now, guys. ;-)

Chevrolet's three-year-old Equinox SUV has been given the automotive equivalent of a Botox injection with the introduction of a 2008 Sport model (base price $29,595) with greater horsepower. Until now, all Equinoxes were equipped with a 3.4-liter pushrod V-6 making 185 bhp, but the Sport version, which commands a €5,000 premium over the base four-wheel-drive model, offers 264 almost raucous ponies from a DOHC 3.6-liter V-6 with 6-speed automatic transmission. Unfortunately, the new engine is stuck with an SUV that has a rental-car interior, a U-turn-killing 41.8-foot turning circle, and fuel economy of just 17 mpg on test. Of course, a rental-car interior is not all bad, since it means easy wipe-down and stain removal. Specialists who engage in water sports or "red wing" cunnilingus will find the Equinox the perfect vehicle for their activities, although the high front seats mean that it is difficult to obtain the necessary purchase for the wheelbarrow or anal.

Equipped with ten air bags, including side curtains for three rows of passengers, as well as acres of interior leather, the reborn-for-2008 Toyota Land Cruiser (base price €63,885) leaves the rawhide and roughnecking to lesser models. Copious amounts of insulation and isolation are used to cloak the Cruiser's machinery, partly to justify a €6,985 increase in the base price, and the vehicle is equipped with the same 5.7-liter V-8 and 6-speed automatic used in the Tundra pickup. I met my wife in a 2006 Land Cruiser, so this vehicle holds a particular fondness for me; I rimmed her in the back seat outside Arklow train station at three on a Sunday night surrounded by a crowd of about 30 onlookers and well-wishers. And of course, we've never looked back (although we'll be celebrating the anniversary of that first meeting by repeating the performance; keep an eye on your cell phones!). As most of you already know, the Land Cruiser isn't really built for oral-anal pleasure, but we got carried away and wanted to explore its possibilities. A simple handjob into the cupholder simply isn't enough, as I'm sure you'd agree.

And finally, a brief reminder that the annual Vintage Car Rally at Florencecourt is coming up next month. We are hoping to have an erection of some description there for all of you to have a look at. Ask for the Aston Martins and we'll be in the copse behind. Come take a peek. And come!



Car reviews from the Spring 2008 newsletter Irish Dogging Enthusiast.

Taxidermy, by Kevin

Taxidermy is a very interesting hobby that will interest a lot of people. What taxidermy is, is stuffing dead animals, mostly with sawdust but also sometimes with cotton, wool, cotton wool, bits of rag, cloth, hair, your sister's scrunchies, shoelaces, and cardboard. Sometimes I use torn-up copies of Just Sixteen magazine.

Some people think of taxidermy as a barbaric practice, but they are wrong. They think this because they are based on a misunderstanding, which is that taxidermists kill animals and therefore are some kind of genetically inbred shut-in from the country who wears glasses and breeds rabbits just in order to kill them, like that man in Copycat or the one in Father Ted. Nothing could be further from the truth. Most taxidermists buy their animals pre-killed, and already with their insides removed, so they are not even as barbaric as someone such as a housewife who takes the giblets out of a chicken and makes them into gravy. That is really sick. But I have not told my mother.

The advantage to buying your pelts pre-cleaned is that it is not messy. This is what pre-cleaned means. Also the packaging is flatter, which means that the postman can easily put it though the letterbox and does not have to knock on the door to disturb your parents and say "I have got a parcel here for Kevin MacPherson from Glaxo SmithKline Beecham laboratories. Sign here please. It is two monkeys." Also, it means that you can order in bulk and it does not cost the earth. The current piece de resistance in my attic is a diorama I have made of Geoff Hurst's third goal in the final of the World Cup in 1966, when England beat Germany, complete with some people running on the pitch who think it's all over, as described by Kenneth Wolstenholme. Out of squirrels.

Before you think I am mad to take on such a major project, I should disabuse you of the idea that I reproduced the entire scene. I cannot afford 100,000 squirrels. How I wish I could! No. My diorama just consists of Geoff Hurst, the German goalkeeper, the referee, a fan running on the pitch, and the rest of the England and German teams. And Sir Alf Ramsey. I didn't even have to trim the eyebrows for Alf Ramsey.

If you want, you can dress your stuffed animals in clothes or in the uniforms of your favourite team. My favourite team is MK Dons. However, this requires some sewing skills, and this essay is not about sewing. It is about taxidermy. You can ask your mother to make the kits for you, but then she will ask what they are for, and you may not want to say that they are for your dead animals in the attic. The alternative is to buy the kits ready-made from a specialist supplier who makes football strips for stuffed animals, but I am afraid to say that there aren't any. I have looked.

Once you become an expert at stuffing animals, there is no limit to what you can stuff. There are shows in America where expert taxidermists put on display their stuffed bears, stuffed horses, stuffed worms, stuffed deer, and even stuffed peppers, although peppers are not strictly speaking an animal. In some countries, such as Russia and China, they even stuff their dead leaders, such as Lenin and Chairman Mao, and they put them on display for the residents to admire their work, although for some reason they never put their leaders in exciting poses, such as haranguing the masses or swimming the Yangtse. My father says that this is because the quality of the workmanship in Communist countries was always much poorer than in the West, and that Lenin and Mao are lying down probably because they have sawdust pouring out their arseholes.

Anyway, I hope that you will take up taxidermy now that I have explained it all to you and shown you how good it is. Send me pictures of your stuffed animals and I will pin them up on my shrine.

Goodbye.




(Kevin MacPherson is Jeffrey Dahmer professor of psychology at Johns Hopkins Open Prison)

It's the Friday Quiz!

Who said the following to whom this week and under what circumstances:

I gave them all a good seeing to, and I'm no Robert Redford. The trick is to take them from behind when they least expect it. Just make sure you keep a firm hand on their crown jewels.

Was it

(a) Bertie Ahern handing over power to Brian Cowen?

(b) Roseanne Barr passing on directing advice to George Clooney?

(c) Avram Grant in secret talks with Frank Rijkaard about the Chelsea job?

(d) Ken Livingstone talking to Boris Johnson about the people of London?

(e) Wayne Sleep on his new role as the Childcatcher in the stage version of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang?

or

(f) someone else to someone else under entirely different circumstances (answers in the Comments box please)?