Libertarianism, by Kevin

Libertarianism is brilliant. Some people think that it is not brilliant, but they are wrong. It is.

What Libertarianism is, is this: It is a philosophy of the world which holds that everyone should be allowed to do what they like without any interference from anyone else and so long as they do not hurt anyone else. Libertarianism should not be confused with Libertinism, which is what the Marquis de Sade, Bernie Ecclestone, and Silvio Berlusconi believe in. Libertinism is doing what you want regardless of the consequences to others. Look where that gets you.

Libertarianism also is not anarchism, which believes in the abolition of private property. That is just stupid. Libertarianism believes that everything without exception should be made into private property. That way, in a free market, all commodities will accurately reflect their true value and we will know what everything is really worth.

There have been lots of well-known Libertarians throughout history, ever since Adam Smith’s brilliant book The Wealth of Nations, in which he explained how free markets and the division of labour guarantee freedom and happiness for everyone. He also wrote the Theory of Moral Sentiments, but that was rubbish. Other Libertarians have included Mary Harney, Margaret Thatcher, and the beautiful Virginia Postrel, but not all Libertarians are women. There are also male Libertarians, although I cannot think of any at the moment. Adam Smith was one. Sometimes. Men who are definitely NOT Libertarians but who some people think are, are Bernie Madoff, Ken Lay, Jeffrey Skilling, Allen Stanford, and Alan Greenspan. They are definitely NOT Libertarians. They are just sociopaths who give Libertarianism a bad name.

Also, it needs to be made clear, not all women are Libertarians. Some people make the mistake of thinking that Ayn Rand was a Libertarian, but she was not. She was an Objectivist. There is a huge difference. Libertarians believe in freedom whereas Objectivists believe in Ayn Rand. And money.

Also you do not have to be a person to be a Libertarian. For instance, the Monsanto Corporation is a Libertarian. You can tell by the way it is trying to privatize Nature. And they are right, too. Only when the patents to the DNA of all the species on the planet are in the hands of private individuals and corporations will a perfect free market finally emerge, and if this means tinkering with their genome because governments won’t allow “naturally occurring” species to be privately owned (kuh!), then so be it.

Libertarians hate government.

Government is bad because it distorts the market and prevents us from knowing what things are really worth. This is a bad thing because it also applies to people, and this means that people are not priced according to their worth. For example, members of parliament and bureaucrats and civil servants and members of the public service industries such as teachers, nurses, soldiers, and so on are paid far more than they are worth because the government has a stranglehold over society and can bend the market in its favour. Because we have no choice whether we pay taxes or not (the government will use its monopoly over the courts and prisons and police to put us in prison if we do not pay), it means they can demand whatever they like from us and pay themselves huge sums of money while we still have to live at home and my Dad has to top up his income as a quality control supervisor for the gas board with cash-in-hand transactions involving stolen car parts and selling the odd bit of blow to schoolchildren. He is an extremely valuable member of society but he is not allowed to reach his potential because the private sector is deliberately discriminated against by government. Especially in a democracy.

Other things that Libertarians are against are trade unions, the professions, such as lawyers and doctors and surgeons, and cartels, which is when huge corporations combine to fix the price of their goods. This doesn’t happen very often, however, which is why you rarely hear Libertarians talk about it. Also they are opposed to monopoly. Not the boardgame. A monopoly is when an organization, such as the government, has control over an entire sector of the market and can therefore charge whatever it likes for its products. Have you seen how much prescription charges are now? If the health service was totally privatized, everyone could choose to pay as much as they wanted for their drugs, and drugs would be priced according to their effectiveness and not because the government had decided it needs more taxes to build more prisons to keep the Prison Officers Association happy.

The Prison Officers Association is a very bad thing.

There. I hope that you will all be Libertarians now that I have shown you how brilliant it is. And that is the end.



(Kevin MacPherson was chief economic adviser to Dr. François "Papa Doc" Duvalier between 1967 and 1971 and was the founder of so-called Voodoo Economics. He is currently in hiding at his mom and dad's.)

What's the Rash?

More useful advice from Health Canada:


It's frequently difficult to know whether that mouldy, disfigured skin complaint is something that can be just covered over with makeup, can be treated with talc, or requires surgical intervention. Learning to distinguish between the various kinds of skin disorder can mean the difference between getting to third base on a first date and losing vital organs. Here's a handy guide to help you recognize the most common rashes in Canada.


Ringworm



A red raised circular rash on your limbs looking a bit like a target or like you've dipped your arm in a murder victim's blood then tried unsuccessfully to scrub it off, leading to scaliness, discomfort, and references to Lady Macbeth. This rash isn't caused by a worm at all, despite the name, but from eating too many Hula-Hoops or Spaghetti-O's. You can also catch it off towels, turbans, and tennis balls.

Treatment: You will need to take prescription vermicides just to keep your mother happy and some cosmetic moisturizing cream to satisfy nosey parkers. Other than that, sleep in a hot bath for three days and you'll be right as rain.


Rabies



Not to be confused with Scabies, which is a fatal illness contracted from a bite or scratch from a contaminated animal or person, rabies is characterized by a vacant expression, dark rings around the eyes, and Hello Kitty-shaped discoloration in the middle of the forehead. There's a lot of scratching, but not on the site of the discoloration; sufferers tend to scratch their groin, their buttocks, and their armpits. They also sleep until well after noon.

Treatment: Everyone in the family will require prescription medication to deal with a case like this.


Diaper Rash



Common in babies and members of the English aristocracy, diaper rash is caused by weeing in your pants.

Treatment: No treatment. They've got to learn. And the English aristocracy actually revel in it.


Buboes



Not so common in Canada these days, except for Quebec. Buboes are usually black swellings that occur in the armpits and groin but also in other glandular areas. They are frequently accompanied by coughing, sneezing, profuse bleeding from running sores, and a general feeling of being rundown and stressed out.

Treatment: A couple of Aspirin three times a day for a week should be enough. If you have any concern that the illness is getting worse rather than better, just pop down to your local surgery or clinic and ask about.


Rosacea



Rosacea is common among women of a certain age and background. It's typified by colorful blemishes and some swelling of the skin, initially, but after a while the colors lose their luster and the blemish turns into a dark blue mush that won't go away. It is usually the result of heavy drinking: One night can sometimes be enough to cause an outbreak.

Treatment: Laser surgery is normally required to get rid of rosacea. Very painful, but no more painful than the experience of contracting it in the first place.


Shingles



A large constellation of small, itchy red bumps that can be several inches wide, across the back or one side of the torso, shingles is a viral disease caused by a dissolute lifestyle that includes copious amounts of hard drugs and frequent bouts of bestiality. I wouldn't be surprised if cats had been sacrificed on the very bed they sleep in.

Treatment: Church, three times a week, and lots of praying for forgiveness.


Piles



If it's piles, you should see a doctor. As in this case.


Shark Bite



Don't be confused by the name. This rash isn't actually caused by being bitten by a shark. It receives its name because of the unusual discoloration pattern that vaguely resembles the bite marks of a shark and its black, soulless, yet ecstatic eye. Shark Bite is typically caused by an allergy, such as brushing up too close against manmade fibers like spandex, leather, or wool. It is also usually accompanied by itching in limbs that you don't have. Women sometimes find they have an itchy penis.

Treatment: Take a wire brush to the discoloration and rub vigorously. If this fails to remove the blemish, pour bleach onto the bleeding skin and hope for the best. Expose to the air and swim in the sea regularly. Eat lots of fresh fruit and read a good book now and then.


Katie's Revenge



Much as the dysentery suffered by American tourists in South America is referred to as Montezuma's Revenge, so this rash suffered by British and Commonwealth tourists to Ireland, especially Cork, is known as Katie's Revenge. Sufferers usually go to sleep feeling fine then wake up three days later on the outskirts of the city with their wallets empty, a pounding headache, and this random discoloration across their brow.

Treatment: Leave Ireland and don't go back. Your sort aren't wanted.


Students



This isn't a rash at all but caused by an attack of students. It'll wash off.


Mens Rea



If you wake up to find this on your arm, it isn't a doctor you need. It's a lawyer.

Mount Every Climber

Recently discovered papers in the archives of Oscar Hammerstein II suggest that if the lyricist had had his way, the hit musical The Sound of Music would have had a very different plotline and tone to the one we all know and . . . know.



INTRO:

The hills are alive, I can hear them screaming
The drugs I have done, give me a thousand ears
Black blood fills my eyes, and I think I'm dreaming,
My heart slams against my cheeks and sneers.

My heart wants to grab the hinds legs of the cows
that fly from the lake into space
My heart wants to sigh like Chinese flies
and slap Winston Churchill's face
To laugh like a drain when he trips and falls over
pissed in the dark
To crawl through the night like a blindman learning to park

I go to the pub when my heart is lonely
I know I will drink like never before
My liver will be blessed with the joy of boozing
And I'll sing once more.




MY FAVORITE THINGS


Seafood in plastic and frostbite on kittens,
Small stupid children in bed wearing mittens,
Brown diseased parakeets clipped of their wings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Boxes of crayons for making rude doodles,
Dormice and headlice snuck into Pot Noodles.
Wild geese that bounce off propellers with pings.
These are a few of my favorite things.

Girls in white knickers with pink silky gashes,
Snowploughs that slice off your nose and eyelashes,
Silver white powders that give you a zing,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When your dog dies, when your pee stings,
When you're feeling sad,
Just simply remember your favorite things,
And then you won't feel so bad.



IDLE VICE

Idle vice, Idle vice, every morning you beat me
Warm and white,
Hand held tight,
Polish your helmet so sweetly
Blossom of snow
May your fluids flow,
Pump out and flow forever
Idle vice, idle vice, bless my right hand forever




SIXTY GOING ON SEVENTY

(Rolf:)
You're size sixty, going on seventy
Baby, it's time to think
Staple your stomach, cut out the brisket
Baby, you're on the brink

You're size sixty, going on seventy
Fellows will laugh with glee
Eager young lads and rogues and cads
Will joke about BSE.

Totally unprepared are you
To face the world's contempt
Skinny and shallow and hateful they are
Of all things fat and unkempt

You need someone bigger and wider
Someone to shield behind
I'm size seventy, going on eighty
I'll bear your weight in mind

[Liesl:]
I'm size sixty, going on seventy
I know that I'm not svelte
But fellows I meet may want me to eat
And their hearts I'll surely melt

I'm size sixty, going on seventy
Corpulent as a whale
Old chubby chasers, feeders, embracers,
Will all fuck me without fail

Totally unprepared they'll be
I'm all woman, every bit
Gasping for air and ecstatic they'll be
When on their faces I sit

I don't need someone filled with self-hatred
Telling me what to do
You're size seventy, going on eighty
I bet they'd fuck you too.



DO-RE-MI SONG


Let's start at the very beginning
It's a very good place to start
When you first got the dough you thought "lucky me"
Then you gave it to Ray and now you're un-hap-py

Dough-Ray-Me, Dough-Ray-Me
The first three notes just happen to be
Dough-Ray-Me, Dough-Ray-Me

[Maria:]
Dough-Ray-Me-Far-So-La-He-Dough
[spoken]
Let's see if I can make it easy

Dough, is dosh, is wads of dosh,
Ray, the bloke you gave it to
Me, the nob, who saw him go
Far, where Ray is thanks to you
So, you've got to track him down
La, a Scouser who you know,
He will shoot Ray in the head
And will bring you back the dough, dough, dough, dough etc.

(Children join in, mime shooting Ray and so on).



Not shown here: "How Do You Solve a Problem Like Chlamydia?" "So Long, Farewell (The Cattle-Truck Song)", and "The Lonely Goatboy."

Scofflore

Useful and well-known weather-related sayings from around the world to help you plan your days without needing recourse to expensive alternatives like the radio or the freesheets.




Blue mould on swallows, humidity follows. Blue mould on cheese, Cream crackers please.

Girls wearing nowt, old men's cocks out. Old men's cocks in, rain soon again.

Trees wave their branches, Creating the wind, Make a blood sacrifice, Because you have sinned. (popular Macclesfield saying)

Metal bird in the sky, great roaring noise, kill first-born daughter, screw all your boys. (another popular Macclesfield saying)

When it rains it pours, when it snows there's no other word for it.

Kites in the sky, dancing with ease, you can expect lots of Chinese.

Sausage-shaped objects flying really fast; you'll lose two days' memory and have a sore ass. (Old Nevada saying)

If the cloud is mushroom round, there'll be shadows on the ground (Old Japanese saying)

Early to bed and early to rise, a good chance your day will feature meat pies.

Squirrels playing happily with their nuts, means hot dry days with small puddles of indeterminate fluids.

If you're seeing lots of beaver, you're in Denmark in hot weather.

Cricket still chirrups after you stamp, grass is long and grass is damp.

Dogs in the river, trying not to freeze, keep your eyes open, avoid the Frisbees.

Check the pavement, if it's wet, it's been raining, may rain yet.

When morning grass is pearly white, it's been snowing overnight.

If your children can't be found, tornado took them off the ground.

Red sky at night, shepherd's delight. Red in the morning, global warming.

Rain on St. Manc's Day, the forecast is clear, rain every day for over a year (Old Mancunian saying. St. Manc's Day is each Wednesday)

Birds flying high, they're in the sky, birds flying low, means sun, rain, or snow.

If the cock crows three times on going to bed, you'll wake to find, your Messiah is dead.

Lots of admissions to A&E, ice, rain and fog, on the M50.

Where dogs drag their arses over the ground, don't plan a picnic anywhere round.

When canals and rivers really hum, look for signs saying Welcome to Brum

When the barometer forecasts rain, there's a chance that it will rain.

Mice in the garden, if you please, can only mean that it's rained cheese.

Polar bears broke your fence down, cold weather or the circus is coming to town.

A tomcat washes his face and paws, kick his hole and run indoors.

If your hat is soaking wet, it could be rain, it could be sweat.

If the moon is brown and white, stay in bed, tomorrow's shite.

If the moon is red like wine, get up early, tomorrow's fine.

If the moon is deepest yellow, stay in bed, you've jaundice, fellow.

If the sun dances in the sky, soon Our Lady will fly by.

Zombies rise from the earth in swarms, hell is full but the forecast's warm.

If your house has caught on fire, lightning or arson caused the pyre.

Toads are falling from the sky, convert to Judaism before you die.

Barking sheep and singing slugs, stay indoors, take fewer drugs.

Coddlepot.com

Tasty

Was Born in Tiger Bay #10

A baker's dozen of little-known facts about all-round entertainer David Bowie:

1. He was traumatised at the age of 8 when he saw his Polish schoolmate Zbigniew Tsardosk get hit by lightning.

2. He is the owner of the second-largest collection of ornamental garden figurines in Hollywood. Danny DeVito is the largest.

3. He can change the colour of his eyes at will.

4. Until he appeared in Merry Christmas Mr. Lawrence, he had never seen a real cat.

5. He cuts his hair with butterfly knives.

6. His role as “The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie” was cut from the final edit of the movie Fahrenheit 451.

7. Bowie was given the soubriquet of the “Thin White Duke” thanks to his uncanny resemblance in his upper register to Duke Ellington.

8. His fancy dress of choice is Prince Harry.

9. His band the Tin Machine was named in honour of the robot hero of the 80’s TV show Metal Mickey, a programme directed by his favourite Monkee, Mickey Dolenz.

10. For two weeks in 1975, he stood in for Charlie Brown in the Peanuts cartoon strip while Brown had his tonsils removed.

11. He was the original model for the Subbuteo goalkeeper.

12. In the same falling-out-of-a-tree incident in which Duncan Goodhew lost his hair, Bowie’s turned pink overnight.

13. Brian Eno hasn’t spoken to him since Bowie’s wedding gift to Eno was a pair of underpants bearing the slogan “Here Jets The Warm Come.”

Hold On Tight!!

If you live alone or if your spouse, partner or significant other is frequently away, anything that requires more than one pair of hands becomes an impossible task. And that's why engineers invented clamps. There are clamps for all occasions and every possible eventuality. You may need to experiment to find the one that's right for you, but here's a quick guide that will point you in the right direction, and soon you'll learn why DIYers or every orientation say you can never have too many clamps.


POWERFUL PIPE CLAMPS
A piece of plumbing pipe and an inexpensive set of clamp heads are all you need to make a clamp long enough to span any tabletop, office desk, or coffin. Versions with an aluminum bar offer heavy-duty clamping for multiple fixtures in case you have guests round or if you enjoy simultaneous penetration of multiple orifices but your better half is down at Asda. Pipe clamps are perfect for anything you want to hold in place lengthways while you remove the skin, such as a cucumber, an aubergine, or a courgette, but you can also remove your item and reclamp it so that it protrudes magnificently into the air, proud and ready for use.

QUICKTRIGGER CLAMP
Rapid-action clamps are a great solution when you don't have a free hand. Just pull the trigger, and the same hand that holds the clamp can bring the jaws closed with ease. Newer models offer lots of clamping power, and you'll find them in sizes from miniscule to monstrous. If you're using one hand to support you, say if you're leaning back or squatting over a mirror, the quicktrigger clamp will enable you to keep a firm grip on your vegetable or fruit without you having to worry about toppling over and impaling yourself or suffering a sudden sphincter contraction that could leave you prematurely covered in mush and juice. I like to use mine while watching Newsnight.

BURLY BAR CLAMP
Often called an"F"clamp because of what it's mostly used for, the bar clamp is an essential workhorse for almost every orifice-widening task. Very popular with teenagers and sales reps who are on the road for weeks at a time and have to entertain themselves in motel rooms, this clamp will exert a lot of force thanks to the rigid bar and castjaws. Plus, those jaws have depth to give the clamp good reach. You'll find bar clamps with capacity ranging from a few Inches to several feet, perfect when you fancy an onion, a pomegranate, or maybe a bunch of grapes. Use them to secure one buttcheek to the bedpost or a chair leg and you're guranteed an evening or bliss. Gives the word "bedspread" a whole new meaning.

BRAWNY BAND CLAMP
Odd shapes such as pineapples, pears, and strawberries aren't easy to grab with conventional clamps, but a band clamp grips them, securely and ratchets shut to give you great holding power. Since one size fits all, a pair of these should cater to all your band clamping needs. Be careful that you use a lubricant that isn't going to compromise the purchase you're likely to need when thrusting, and make sure that any nick-nacks and valuables have been safely stored away.

HANDY HAND SCREW
Clamps may have evolved, but the hand screw, unchanged and much loved across the eons, remains as versatile as ever. It's great for carrots, the original love vegetable (regardless of what the Bible says!), but also for holding small (and not so small!) anatomical parts to one side while you drill, cut or otherwise punish them. Grab yourself a few of these in different sizes and you'll be amazed at the things you'll find to screw with them.

SUPER SPRING CLAMP
These clamps spring into action any time you need an extra hand to hold something in place, such as a recalcitrant piece of melon or a slippery grapefruit. You'll find them made from metal and plastic and in a wide range of sizes that will ensure you can have your fingers just where you want them. Don't be tempted to use spring clamps on your nipples. That's just perverse.

CAN-DO "C" CLAMP
When you need to hold Part A to Part B, there's no simpler way than with a "C" clamp. Tomato lovers would be lost without them, of course, but these clamps are handy with a wide variety of seed-filled fruits, and we've even heard of nut lovers and vegans who have found the "C" clamp's versatility a boon to their Sunday nights in after the Antiques Roadshow. "C" clamp sizes start tiny and grow large, but the mid-size 4" to 6" varieties are sure to be favorites, especially with the elderly.



From the April/May 2009 issue of Organic Lovemaking magazine.

Animal Corrective

Each month, Readers' Digest magazine reports on pets who have saved, rescued, or otherwise helped their owners. Omitted from their pages are cases of pets who have failed to keep their side of the bargain.


Eleven-year-old Mikey Theremin loved taking his 4-year-old golden labrador retriever, Snooch, for walks around the abandoned open cast mine near to their home a few miles outside the town of Tallaght, Montana, even though his stay-at-home mom and unemployed father, Lou and Derek, had expressly forbidden him from going anywhere near the place for fear of unexploded dynamite sticks and the toxic runoff that had never been cleared away from the site after it shut down. But try keeping a young boy away from somewhere as exciting to explore when his nearest friends are in the next state or only available online. So it came as no surprise that the old mine was where state police found Mikey's remains, trapped by his leg under a pile of skree that must have been disturbed when Snooch ran up the side of the pit in pursuit of some now forgotten and long-lost ball or stick. Police say they were lucky to identify Mikey at all. Even though he'd only been missing for six days and dead for four, most of the flesh off his body had gone, consumed by a ravenous Snooch either unable, unwilling, or too lazy to abandon his master and go get help or find sustenance beyond the confines of the vast pit. Lou and Derek still look after Snooch, "because it's what Mikey would have wanted," but they cannot help, when they look into his eyes, but think of their beloved son lost forever, and wonder which of them might be next.

Morgan Chesthair of Donacarney, Illinois, loved the company of Charlie, the professionally trained spider monkey provided to him by the local social services to provide him not just with companionship but also to work as a helpmeet around the home, turning on and off lights, the heating, the TV set, and anything else that the severely physically challenged Chesthair pointed at with the laser pen attached to his headband. Thus it was Charley who, one November morning, opened the front door to several agents of the FBI investigating a series of racist emails sent using Chesthair's email address and from his PC threatening violence and abuse against a number of prominent figures in the African-American community, including the family of President Obama. "I had no idea," pleaded Chesthair. "I can only think that while I was in bed asleep Charley was turning on the PC himself and sending out these abusive messages in my name. Some of the language was truly appalling." This isn't the first time Mr. Chesthair has had bad luck with pets. A German Shepherd he owned five years earlier had to be put down after savaging an Hispanic postal worker.

Sheila Merryface of Ballymun, Idaho, was similarly disappointed by her pet, Peter the Cockatoo, a parakeet given to her by neighbors after they expressed some concerns that it was looking at their children oddly. Sheila was happy to take in the bird but was disappointed that Peter said so little, having been led to believe that parakeets were garrulous birds and could be trained to utter expressions of an apparently congenial nature, such as "Good morning, Sheila" or "You're looking pretty today." On reflection, she now says, she should have asked the neighbors where they had acquired the bird from since it was clear with the benefit of hindsight that Peter had merely been biding his time, accustoming himself to Sheila's habits and learning her daily routine and secrets. When Sheila's house was broken into four months later and she was tied to a chair in the kitchen by unknown assailants, it was Peter who told his accomplices exactly where all of Sheila's savings were hidden, which paintings were valuable, where her jewelry was, and where to find the keys to the Lexus and to the front door of her vacation home in Florida. "They didn't hurt me physically," said Merryface. "The real hurt is inside. When you know you've been betrayed by someone you trusted. And also outwitted by a bird."

At least Merryface can console herself that birds have legs. Business entrepreneur Frank Scratchings of Phibsboro, New Jersey, awoke the day of his daughter's wedding to find that the hugely expensive Koi carp he had purchased only a month earlier had somehow managed to pull the tablecloths off all the trestle tables in the marquee set up in the grounds and had dragged the wedding cake, the champagne bottles placed on each table, and all the disposable cameras placed for guests' enjoyment across the garden and back into their pond. "When I went over to look, I half-expected to find them all drunk and taking photos of one another gorged on cake and laughing it up," said Scratchings, "But instead there was no sign of them. Not even a note. Seven hundred bucks each, they were. You'd think they'd have some manners." To this day, Scratchings has no idea where his carp fled to, but he is willing to forgive and forget, if only they'd come home. "Even just a ring to let me know they're okay," he says. "The real worry is not knowing."

Could be Worse . . .

Why Can't I Concentrate?

Are you regularly called "ditsy"? What about a "typical woman"? Don't fret. The chances are that you have the mind of a child and it isn't your fault at all.

Your desk is a mess, your hair is lopsided, and your mind darts from one thought to the next, leaving you rushed off your feet but always with the feeling that none of your jobs have been finished. Of course, you aren't alone. All women feel like this most of the time, and traditionally it's been put down to their shallowness, their genetic inferiority, and their sweet and endearing but misguided attempts at trying to keep up with their male work colleagues. But new research by the country's leading pharmaceutical companies has determined that none of these stereotypical characteristics are natural at all but the result of Attention Deficit Disorder, or ADD, the same illness that kids are born with (except without the Hyperactivity), and the good news is that they've invented a whole range of drugs to treat it.


WHAT IT IS

ADD is a neuro-behavioral condition which manifests itself in a range of ways. Poor memory, the inability to focus on important tasks, daydreaming, and a fascination with shoes are the most obvious ones, but millions of women, probably the vast majority in the United States, according to AstraZeneca, are suffering from ADD without realizing it. Karl Thornfield, a marketing executive with the company, advises that you are almost certainly suffering from the disease if you have

- eaten a box of chocolates at one sitting

- spent an entire evening watching (non-sports-related) television

- wept during a movie

- drunk a white wine spritzer

- fantasized about George Clooney

or

- had a period.


WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE


Susie Gilbert of Swindon, Connecticut, was oblivious to her illness until it was spotted by a Big Pharma rep. "I originally went to the doctor because of morbid obesity, but a rep exiting from the surgery as I was going in explained that the reason I ate so much was because I kept forgetting I'd just eaten. He convinced me that by taking Adderall I'd be able to remember not just that I'd already had a 5-pound steak but also that I needed to buy more Adderall. What was the question again?"

Molly Wretched of Kingswinford, Maine, was forever leaving her kids in the trolley at the supermarket and driving off home without them, resulting in a number of court appearances and threats to put her kids in care. "I'm not a negligent parent, after all," she told us. "The only reason I slapped them so much was because I couldn't remember which of them had been naughty, so I clipped them both, just to be on the safe side. Also in case they'd been naughty and I couldn't remember. Now I always know where they are and which one to slap, which means a lot less work for me."

Molly also amusingly, and alarmingly, recounted the time she almost drowned in a hotel pool while on holiday in Orlando when she forgot that she was swimming, so distracted was she by a turd floating on the surface.

Catherine Cervix of Luton, New Hampshire, was forever ironing half a shirt and then getting bored or going off to put the kettle on and forgetting about it altogether. "And by the time the kettle had boiled I was halfways to town to buy a copy of Oprah magazine," she confessed. "One time I was holding a pair of scissors when the phone rang and I stabbed myself in the head."


WHAT YOU CAN DO

The most obvious thing you can do right now is to contact your GP and insist that he (or she) sign you up for a course of anti-ADD drugs such as Ritalin, Focalin, Adderall, or Metadate, preferably all four. Following the prescribed course of medication should result in a complete modification in behavior within the space of 6 months, but ceasing to use the medication at any time in the future will almost certainly lead to a relapse.

Incidentally, the very latest research reveals increasing evidence that ADD also occurs in men but manifests itself in completely different ways, such as having car crashes, enjoying basketball or other sports where a point is scored every other second, and forgetting that they're married. This behavior has always been regarded as "typically male," but it turns out that men, too, have their own version of the illness, its characteristics determined by their male hormones and lower moral standards. If your spouse or partner manifests any of these tell-tale characteristics, it would be well worth your while bringing him in for a consultation with one of our UCBAH-certified doctors.

One of the reasons the United States is losing its empire is because of the curse of ADD. Countries with greater and longer attention spans, such as the Chinese, Japanese, and the Euro . . . ah fuck it




This advertisement was brought to you as a public service and patriotic gesture by the UCBAH (United Concerned Businesses for American Health).

Never Mind the Bourbons

Perfect for your late-into-the-night discussions about the meaning of life, truth, the universe, and what it must be like to be a bat: Choco-Leibniz Philosophy Biscuits. Individually wrapped Monads of irresistible buttercake covered in smooth all-embracing milk chocolate make for an impossible combination of pre-established harmony in your mouth. Impossible to explain, they will delight and confound you for hours.

And if they only serve to whet your intellectual appetite, why not try some of the other challenging and stimulating confectioneries in our famous Philosophy Biscuit range. Choose from our

Vienna Circle Fingers: A Positive Delight!

Friedrich Nietzsche's Crackers: Just Super, Man! And Perfect for the Twilight.

Fruit Pascals: We wager you'll believe there is a God!

Cheese Spinozas: How can one Substance have so many flavours? Could it be God? Or Nature?

Russell's Viscounts: The Conquest of Happiness . . . in biscuit form!

Husserl's Swirls: You'll constantly be taking them out of your pocket!

Diogenes' Biscuit Barrel: Our cynical assortment of Jammie Dodgers and Indigestives. Guaranteed not to make an honest man of you.

Plato's Elite Collection: Don't just contemplate the Form of the Good. Eat it!

Socrates' Ginger Nuts: I Might Not Know Much, But I Know My Ginger Nuts!

and of course, no-one can resist the king of biscuits, our world-famous

Chocolate Hobbes-Nobbes: Nasty, Brutish, and Shortbread.


Buy them now. Don't even think about it!!